This wall I was many a weary month in finishing, and yet never thought myself safe till it was done. – DEFOE, Robinson Crusoe
Tonight I’m pretty sure I’ve had meltdown. I find myself watching Sabrina the Teenage Witch on the telly because that is all there is…unless I watch more of the horror unfolding back east. The horror actually touched my life personally today as I found out that two executives who were clients of mine were on the two planes out of Boston that crashed into the WTC Towers. One on each plane. To top it off, I’ve been having running conversations with my boss who is in NYC and watched the whole deal unfold. She can’t get back to her hotel and is still walking around in the clothes she started the day in…grimy and covered in the dust of destruction. Every time we talk, this amazingly brilliant corporate attorney who specializes in big deal mergers and acquisitions turns into a weepy mess as she relives the horrors she’s witnessed.
I feel myself shutting down and as I do, a quote from Robinson Crusoe comes to mind and I wonder if the “bunker mentality” has come over me. Will I ever feel safe again? Will we ever be able to move forward…in freedom without having to have armed US Marshalls “on all domestic flights.” Will my friends of Arab descent ever be able to walk freely in this country–their country–without feeling the stares and suspicious thoughts of those around them. Will I be one of those people…always a little bit leary, afraid that one day it will be me on the telly with one of the news anchors explaining how my “friend” seemed so normal. God I hope not! I want to be able to live life like I’ve always known it…without worry. I know I’m a dreamer and it pisses me off that I’ve been thrown this god-awful reality curve and that it has to be in my face 24/7.
For a while today I turned off the TV and took a long walk on the beach. The sun was shining, the weather was perfect and for a few minutes I almost thought life was back to normal. Of course I was rather rudely awakened by some joggers who could talk of nothing else but the latest news on the whole ordeal. Yesterday I found it so odd to be looking toward Los Angeles International Airport and see absolutely no planes taking off over the ocean. Today, it was weirder still to see two planes take off. Just two. I was out there for over two hours. Usually I would have seen as many as two planes taking off at the same time coming every few minutes. Life has changed. I guess I’ll just have to figure that into my dreams now.
I had a conversation with a friend today who went on for a long time about his anger about this whole terrorist situation. He seemed so angry towards Arabs in general. I told him that he should be “nice” since you can’t blame all Arabs for the actions of a few sick and twisted individuals. Who knows, it could be like the OKC bombing where it turned out to be an all-American boy who did the dastardly deed. But I understand where he’s coming from…he spent time over in Saudi Arabia during the Gulf War and saw a lot sh*t that I’ve never had to witness.
So much is fighting for dominance in my mind. I wonder if sleep will come. I pray for the silence that will soon envelope me. Maybe the sunrise will hold off for a few minutes and I’ll actually rest…in silence and for a few moments feel PEACE!
Written September 12, 2001 – Today we remember all those who perished in those hateful attacks on American soil and we also remember all our brave men and women who have died following their Commander-in-Chief’s orders. We continue to wish that more, much more, energy had been placed in chasing down and severly punishing the master-mind and financier of that awful day – Osama bin Laden.