I don’t want to! I yelled as I thrashed and writhed on the floor much like my four year old nephew had several days before as we had gathered for family pictures. In my mind, I wanted to act just like that four year old. Why did I have to leave? My sister and I had been on a jog the night before and she commented on how stress-free she felt. I had nodded in full agreement. There’s just something about being home that allows your worries and cares to melt away. But now, I had to leave and head back to the real world. As I got in the shower at the ungodly hour of 5a, I cried! Why can’t I stay, just a few more minutes…PLEASE?
I am often conflicted about going home. No, not because it brings up awful memories of past trauma, rather because I get to be a little boy again. All the presents under the tree, just waiting for the sun to barely peek over the horizon so we kids could whoop and holler and wake everyone up followed by the dinner of magnificent proportions…WOW! Joining in with my little brother to tease my sister to tears (I’m sorry…honest!!) was nearly as fun as picking on some of his personal hygiene issues. Sitting around the table playing games, I felt myself going into full pout as they demoralized me by beating me…again. Getting tucked in by mom with a good night kiss from dad. Piling into the car to go to MamMa’s house where cookies are out in abundance and which we exuberantly ate while she regaled us with stories of her childhood, bringing out old books and picture albums and pointing out the various important players of our past.
But now, sitting on this cold impersonal plane, I broke down! Again in my mind, I threw that four year old tantrum! Kicking and screaming, I sobbed! I don’t want to go!!! Don’t make me go! Why?!? “Why?!? Choking back the tears, I put on my head phones, started the iPod, hit the random button and sank into a morose state of mind. An all too friendly flight attendant wandered by asking if I wanted food or drink! The little boy in me screamed for his mommy, while I shot her a death stare as she beat a hasty retreat. It was going to be a long flight! I closed my eyes as the coastline slipped from view.
A driving beat slowly began to move me from my revery. I wiped my eyes and felt the dark moments of the early morning began to slip away. I punched up my flight information on the screen in front of me and watched as the ever changing topography sailed by below. The driving beats continued and I started to notice that I didn’t feel like a little boy so much any more. I could feel myself start to want to dance as the DJ laid down some sick beats. The driving beats were soon joined by a haunting voice with a message that spoke about living…today.
I stretched and yawned and began to feel alive again! No longer a little boy, I had regained my manhood as the people who need me began to flash through my mind. A little boy who needs his own memories of happy times with family! People who are relying on me to help solve their problems: personally and professionally. There’s food to be delivered to those with no families to count on and friends to share a drink with. Ahhhh…life…MY life!
As we began our descent into the LA Basin, the driving beats of Paul van Dyke and Tiësto gave way to an old Amy Grant song. I wondered how that got on the play list, but instead of skipping the song, I listened as she belted out just what my heart needed to hear.
Lead me on
Lead me on
To a place where the river runs
Into your keeping, Oh
Lead me on
Lead me on
The awaited deliverance
Comforts the seeking…lead on
I enjoyed getting to be a kid again, even if it was just for a couple of days, but as the New Year has dawned, I have realized that I can’t stay a kid. I’m a director and a star in my own right and have people who rely on me to help them grow and realize the life force in them that drives all of us; compels us to grow and be constantly challenged. While living in the past is for me both safe and fun and offers pointers on how to better succeed today and tomorrow, I can’t stay there, otherwise I will stagnate and die.
As the wheels touched down on the scorched runway of LAX, I closed my eyes and asked God to lead me on into this New Year with all its opportunities and challenges! I felt the tingles of excitement as I packed up my toys, gathered my phone and other personal belongings and walked back into my life! There’s a lot to look forward to and it’s exciting!
As I got off the plane, made my way home, throughout the day and then again this morning, I continue to hear the drum beat for this coming year…
Lead on! Lead ME on! Lead ME on to new and exciting challenges! Lead ME on to areas of new growth! Lead ME on into a deeper understanding and love of You God! Lead me on to greater love for my fellow man! Lead ME on!