As I was getting ready for work this morning, a video of a song I really like came on. I was running behind (as usual), but that wasn’t enough to keep me from sitting my butt down on the back of the sofa, turning up the TV and singing along as Rob Thomas sang
I don’t wanna be lonely no more
I don’t wanna have to pay for this
I don’t want to know the lover at my door
Is just another heartache on my list
I don’t wanna be angry no more
You know I could never stand for this
So when you tell me that you love me know for sure
I don’t want to be lonely anymore
Maybe getting older has changed me. There was a time when it didn’t hurt nearly as bad when someone I bedded got up and left, never to return. There was a time when relationships were transitory, only lasting until the euphoria wore off. There was a time when building a future together meant deciding which restaurant we both liked to eat at. There was a time when saying “I love you” was only said during those orgasmic moments, and we all know those don’t count
I can’t put a finger on when that changed, but it did. Instead of leaving my front door open (figuratively of course) for whomever to come waltzing through, I began to leave a chain on, opening the door just enough so as to allow a more full inspection of the person seeking to come in. I began to spend a little more time in the vetting process. That’s not to say I have always succeeded in guarding myself from hurt, from lover’s walking out the door nare to return, but I began to pay attention
I think all of us come to the point where we are tired of getting the finger. We are tired of being treated like yesterday’s condom. We want something that might actually last for longer than it takes for frost to develop on the window on a cold winter’s night. I think a lot of people my age are beginning to say with Rob that we don’t want to be lonely. We don’t want that person who shows up at our door to be another hole in the heart.
As this awareness has taken hold in my life, I think I’ve begun to realize that loving myself goes hand-in-hand with guarding myself from hurt. As I am beginning to treat myself with respect and love, I am beganning to let people in who will also treat me with respect and love. I’ve noticed that my friendships are deeper and rooted in something more than a “hey let’s go get f’d up tonight.” When it comes to lovers and relationships, I’ve found that I don’t want just a good romp in the hay! I want a life partner! One who accepts me with all my faults and foibles as I do for them
Yeah, at some point, I got tired of being hurt and lonely. It was only then that I started to realize that the only person who could change the landscape of my life was me. By learning to love ME and treat ME with respect, I have been able to start to incorporate others in my life who would help promote health, wholeness and happiness. Has it always been easy? NO! But the rewards have been amazing
I’m thankful for the friends that are in my life! I’m thankful for that one who shares their life with me! I’m thankful for that child that has blessed my life. I’m glad that I am finally learning that being lonely has nothing to do with how many friends and lovers I surround myself with. Being lonely, for me, has been a direct result of the lack of love and respect I gave to myself. The more I’ve learned to love me, the more distant my lonliness has grown.
I don’t want to be lonely no more! And I don’t have to be! The important thing to remember is that the solution to my lonliness is found in me.